It is difficult for adults to understand why tragedy strikes a community and having to explain it to children can seem insurmountable.
When tragedy strikes, children look to adults for clarity, comfort and hope. It is never easy to explain things to children that are even difficult for adults to comprehend. It is my hope that the following will help you give your children the clarity, comfort and hope they need during the most difficult times in their lives.
CLARITY
Children need to be told the truth but without the horrific details. For example, an adult may say, "Today, something really sad happened in Florida. For some reason, a mean person went into a high school with a gun. Some people were hurt and they went to the hospital."
If your child asks if anyone died, tell him/her the truth. Answer their questions with short, simple responses. Leave out the detailed information. Be honest. Children can detect dishonesty. If you lie to them, they will wonder what else you are lying about. If they ask why the mean person did it, you can simply say you do not know because that is honest. No one really knows.
You cannot hide bad news from children because then when they are confronted with bad news as they get older, they will be unable to cope with it. They may see the tragedy on the news and that's okay, but try to limit their exposure to the media details as much as possible. You do not want to abruptly change the channel or tell them to leave the room because they will worry and think you are hiding something from them.
To provide your child with clarity in the wake of a community tragedy, answer their questions simply, and calmly. Do not worry if you cry. Tell them you feel sad and crying is a good thing because it gets hurt feelings out. Do not try to hide crying. When you cry, it lets the child know it's okay for them to cry, too.
COMFORT
Provide your child with physical and emotional comfort. Hold them, lay with them and let them know they are safe. Let your child know adults in their life do everything they can to make sure they are safe. Let them know if the tragedy happened far away - sometimes it gives them comfort to think it happened in another city or another state.
Tell your child how safe they are. Tell them what measures are taken every day to keep them safe in their everyday lives. Tell them the first priority of every adult in their lives is to keep them safe - their teachers, their coaches, their friends’ parents, etc.
Let them know the police are doing everything they can to arrest the mean person or that the mean person is already in jail. Be honest about this! If the person has not been apprehended, do not say they have been. Again, if your child hears otherwise, they will wonder what else you are lying about.
HOPE
Give your child hope by telling them about all of the people who helped others during this tragedy. Tell them about the first responders who helped and the bystanders who helped. Ask the child what they would like to do to help the victims. Give them examples such as collecting things for the victims, drawing pictures or writing letters to the fire/police departments in the community where the tragedy occurred, etc. This will help your child feel empowered. Your child will feel they are doing something to make the situation better. They will learn empathy and they will learn to appreciate others who go out of their way to help victims. These acts will give your child hope that things will get better.
REACTIONS THAT MAY BE CAUSE FOR CONCERN
You may see a change in your child's mood or behavior when tragedy strikes. Some of these changes are normal. You may, however, want to ask for help if your child has any of the following reactions:
* The loss or gaining of weight
* Wanting to spend more time alone than with family or friends
* Not wanting to socialize with friends
* Behavior changes that include verbal or physical aggression
* Difficulty going to sleep, waking several times during the night, and/or nightmares lasting for more than two weeks
* Sleeping excessively and having difficulty getting out of bed
* Having excessive fears about death and dying
You know your child best. You will know what is normal for your child. If you have any questions or concerns, please call or email me.
By giving your child clarity, comfort and hope they will be stronger for having gone through this tragedy with you by their side.